I don’t think people realize how deep I am. And that’s because I don’t allow myself to be deep in front of anyone. I come off as extremely quiet, but once you get to know me, you’ll find that I’m a huge sarcastic dork and will do almost anything to get people to laugh. But underneath all the sarcasm lies a person that nobody knows. I have demons and I fight them everyday without the aid of anyone but God. God knows me and I know me. And that’s it. I’m a multi-layered person and nobody knows it. I have scars and wounds that are hidden so far inside of me that sometimes I forget that they’re there. But they never heal. How can they if I keep them buried inside of me? No one knows this side of me because I’m too scared to let it out. Today I met a friend of my parents whom I have heard a lot about, but never met. I met a few of them, actually. But this one in particular, I don’t know what it was about him, but I wanted to completely spill my heart out to him and tell him everything about my dad. Because he knows my dad. Well, he “knows” my dad. Everyone at church “knows” my dad, but no one actually knows him like we (his family) do. He’s not a bad person, but I struggle with him every day. And I just wanted to tell this guy EVERYTHING. Why? I have no clue. Why not tell someone that I know? Why not spill my heart out to them? I don’t know. I’ve tried to before, but I’ve never been able to do it. There’s so many things I have to say. So, so, so many. But I don’t say them. I think I’m scared of letting people see me. And I’m scared that they’ll think my struggles with my dad are stupid and pointless. And maybe they are stupid and pointless, but the reality is that they’re real. I struggle with what he does and with what he says. Sometimes I can’t even look at him. And geez, I can’t even tell my mom these things. If I can’t tell her, how can I tell anyone? She probably knows the most out of everyone, but trust me, it doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. But like I said, I’m too scared to let people know how I feel for fear that they’ll blow it off like it’s nothing. It’s happened somewhat before. And ever since then, I swore off telling anyone and I’ve stuck by that. I’m a stubborn person. I should really be sleeping or, at the very least, studying for my psychology test tomorrow afternoon. But instead I watched the movie “Little Children” and it made me feel very weird. It put me in a mood. I liked the movie, I think. It definitely put me in a weird mood. I actually don’t really know how to feel about it. The fact that it can put me in a weird mood says a lot. Movies don’t usually do that to me. So I guess that’s a compliment towards the movie. But I also don’t particularly like feeling moody or being confused about the mood. I don’t know…it was a weird night. Not bad, just weird.
