2008 through my eyes

2008 is almost over and since it was a particularly trying year for me, I decided to write about the memorable moments. Some bad, some good. It was a difficult year to say the least, but I think I’ve come out of it a better person. At least that’s what I hope. So in no particular order…

-May 10, 2008…the day I lost my grandma to Alzheimer’s Disease. The day before, I had sat in her hospice room for a good 5 hours or so without leaving. I refused to leave and I spent a lot of that time alone. My family would be in and out, but not me. I stayed. She was there when I came into the world, I wanted to be there when she went to Heaven. I went home that night ready to do it all over the next day. Unfortunately, I didn’t get that opportunity. My mom, bro, and I were literally in the driveway when my dad called with the news. I was broken hearted not only because I lost my grandmother, but because I wasn’t there like I wanted to be. We got to the hospice and she was still warm. I said my goodbye. Then there was some sort of mixup with the priest that was supposed to come bless her. He ended up coming right after the dude who was taking her to the funeral home came. So…basically, we all went into the room while he blessed her. She was in a blue, velvet-looking body bag. That was hard to see. Later that night, I was sad and got drunk. I wanted to drink away my sorrows, thinking it would help. It didn’t. It made everything worse. I felt terrible.

-September 12, 2008…the day I lost my Buster. My dog of 13 years. The week before, he was having trouble walking. Basically, it was like his hind legs weren’t working. We didn’t know what was wrong. He went to the vet and got a cortizone shot. It worked for a couple of days and then my poor baby got worse. I had to carry him around. It was so sad to see him like that. Then on that Friday, the 12th, he went to the vet for the last time and never came home. I couldn’t be in the room when they *did it* (because it was too hard) so I stayed up until the vet was getting the “meds” ready and then I took off and cried my heart out in the parking lot by myself. I cried a lot and sometimes, I still cry because I miss him so much. The vet never really figured out what was wrong with him, but they thought he might have had a tumor on his spine that was preventing his hind legs from working.

-March 29, 2008…probably the best night of my life. It was the Yellowcard 2008 Acoustic Tour in Austin, TX. Four of us crammed into my primo’s two-passenger Chevy S10 and drove up to ATX to see the boys. My primo went way above and beyond his primo-ly duties and took us, dropped us off, drove back to SA to work a hockey game, drove back to the ATX, picked us up, and took us back to SA. Thanks primo. So we got there kind of early, about 3 hours before doors opened and we were about 12th in line. We had some adventures on 6th Street…going to get pizza and walking around aimlessly trying to find a bathroom to pee in so we wouldn’t have to go during the show. We ended up going to Jackalope’s, which was a bar, and peeing there. It was really nice too. Not everyday you get to pee in a nice bar bathroom. So the show was amazing, but it got even better when we got to hang with Mendez after the show. He was beyond awesome to me, to us. Protected us from the hooker parade and everything. Way awesome.

-Three funerals, three months. My grandma’s in May, Terri’s dad in June, and Rico’s uncle in July. It was a difficult stretch for those I knew and loved. Very difficult.

-Work study has gotten more fun this year. Way more fun, even if Francis has gotten more annoyed with us. Packing up the office to move to the new one was NO BUENO. I was told, “You ain’t gonna make it in the civilian world”, which I did NOT appreciate one bit. But the times spent with my peeps in there more than make up for that. There were so many ridiculous, hilarious, amazing moments that I can’t possibly write them all here…or even remember them. But man, playing The Sims and making all of us in the game, only to intentionally set the house on fire to see who would survive the longest is worthy of an LOL. When I graduate from college, I’m going to miss work study the most. Not the work part, obviously, but the hanging out/making memories part with my friends.

-Nothing More. I saw them four times this year and each show got better and better. It was way awesome getting to know them too and hanging out a bit after shows. 2009 will bring me three more shows before March and I can’t wait. I can’t wait to get to know them more, love them more, and become better friends with them.

-Warped Tour 2008 was amazing. I actually thought the lineup kinda sucked, but I was muy excited to see two bands. Nothing More, which I just talked about. And STORY OF THE YEAR! I planned on trying to get close to the stage for SOTY so I could get decent pics. They ended up opening up the show and since we had gotten there early and were some of the first few in, I literally ran to the stage once I saw they were up first and got front row. It was SICK! I got great pics and had a great time.

-My girls, the 2008 San Antonio Silver Stars, making it to the 2008 WNBA Finals, with homecourt advantage, and best record in the league. You would think we’d get the storybook ending that came with the storybook season. But you’d be wrong. We choked, sucked, laid an egg (whatever you wanna call it) in the Finals. After a miracle shot by Sophia Young to keep us alive in the hunt for the Western Conference Championship, I thought this was *the* year. It sadly was not and my heart was broken.

-The Spurs also disappointed me in 2008. We were big losers in the Western Conference Championship and lost to the stupid lakers, ending our hopes of winning back-to-back titles. The disappointment continues as the 2008-2009 season is taking place. We’re just downright terrible sometimes.

-Insomnia played a huge role in  my year too, unfortunately. I’ve had it for nearly two years, nothing really seems to work, and my doc doesn’t want to prescribe me anything since I’m young. So we’re trying this new medication that’s a mix of a mild sedative/antidepressant. And for the most part, it’s been working. But I’m convinced that it messes with my head. It gives me mood swings and headaches. But it’s like, I have to choose. Do I want to sleep with mood swings and headaches or do I want no mood swings and headaches but no sleep? It’s a killer decision but I pick sleep.

-I came to realize that I need to put my faith in God if I want to be happy. God leads to happiness. That’s been very difficult, especially when I’m at my wits end and just wanna scream. But I have to realize, I gotta give it all to God and He’ll take care of me. I stopped going to church, but it’s because I like doing things my own way. I can talk to God by myself, I don’t need church or a pastor/priest to help me with that. It’s all part of my spiritual growth and while some might not agree with my decision, it is the best decision for me.

-I also learned about the power of prayer. Someone I have known for a few years, we’re not really close or anything, but I have known her for awhile and her mom has pancreatic cancer. Just a quick FYI about pancreatic cancer, it’s one of the worst to have. Only about 5% of those with it are still alive within 5 years. So with that said, you would be amazed at the faith this girl had in God. I remember hearing about her mom awhile back and praying for her; and then it kinda just slipped my mind. Recently, I read a bulletin about her mom having surgery to remove the tumor. So I told her I’d pray for her mom and family. This was an extensive, difficult surgery. About 11 hours long too. But she kept her faith and I, along with many others, kept praying. It turns out, the surgeons removed the entire tumor. However, she still had a 30% chance of not making it. The doctor’s told her family that her mom would be sedated when they went in to visit and that she would have all these tubes in her for about 3 days. They were wrong. She was awake when the family went in and she had the tubes in her for only 6 hours. And she was walking the next day. If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is.

-Jon & Kate Plus 8. I’ve always liked it, but I got really, really into it this year. I finally have a favorite kid (Collin) but I do love all of them. Yes, even Mady. I can see where she would annoy some people, but I really like her. I mean, who wasn’t a brat sometimes at her age? We all were, she just happens to be a brat on TV sometimes, so leave her alone.

“Vesica Piscis”

By SouthFM, a now defunct band from Dallas. Nothing More has been covering this song and I finally found it on iTunes and bought it. It couldn’t be more perfect for what I need right now. It’s all I’ve got. To quote Yellowcard, “I’m finding out I’m on my own. I am all alone”. That is me. That’s how I feel. But this song, “Vesica Piscis”, gives me hope that yeah, I feel like crap and I don’t know why things have to be the way they are, but one day, I’ll understand. “He said Son, don’t you know it has to be this way/and maybe someday/you’ll understand grace”. I think that’s what God is trying to tell me. Maybe one day I’ll understand. This is my cry to God, “Father will you forgive the debt I’m willing to pay/one can only yield so much bending before he breaks/Father will you let me know when all of this pain will be over/when it’s over”. Because I’ve been dealing with pain for so, so long. I thought it would have let up by now, but it hasn’t. And I pray every night for God to send me someone who will save me. He hasn’t sent that person yet, but hopefully soon. Because I “can only yield so much bending before [I break]“. There’s not much more I can take of this lonliness. I’m longing for a relationship of any kind. I don’t mean a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship necessarily, but one of any kind. I need someone. And I’m alone, always. Always when I need someone, I find myself alone. I have no friends and it’s lonely. I don’t know why. Maybe one day I’ll understand.

Here I go again

Feeling…whatever. Blah, crappy, terrible…emotional. I don’t know what to call it, but I’m feeling it. I’m just really annoyed. I’m feeling unappreciated again. I’m going to try really hard to just back off. I just need to give myself space, like I’ve done before. I need to not be so clingy to people. I can’t go all the way anymore when people aren’t willing to meet me in the middle. I can’t keep pushing and pushing. If people don’t want to meet me in the middle, fine. Their loss. They’ll lose out on whatever. I can’t let other people ruin my good time or my day anymore. People don’t wanna talk to me, fine. Don’t talk to me. But don’t expect me to run to you if you decide you wanna hang out or wanna talk or whatever. I’m sick of being ignored when I’m not needed. I also realized, this goes along with going all the way for peeps, that I do too much. I’m overly…I don’t know what the word is, but it’s like, I’m there too much. To the point where it’s a fault of mine. Like I do too much, give too much of my time, and when I don’t get the same…I get upset. Well, that’s partly my fault for being overly whatever. I can’t expect everyone to be like me. And I try not to expect that. But in the back of my mind, I remember everytime someone didn’t give me their all when I gave them mine. I try not to let it bother me, and for the most part it doesn’t, but then it’ll just all hit me at once. It’ll all come flooding back and I get like how I am now. I don’t know what else to do but give it all to God and let Him take over.

My Nothing More Boys

I will be seeing them manana if everything goes according to plan. I’ve felt absolutely terrible all day and crappy yesterday too, but I don’t think anything will stop me from seeing them for the 5th time. Yeah, I know I just saw them like a month ago, but so what…I love them and I want to see them every chance I get. They’re my dudes. They’re my band. They’re still very small, but I know they’ll eventually “make it”. They’re much too talented to not hit it big in the music biz. And I want to be able to say I supported them when no one knew who they were. And that I was a friend before they got popular. So I will be there tomorrow to support them, hopefully with a couple of friends too, who haven’t seen/heard of them before. And I hope they come away with a new favorite band and the boys come away with new fans. This will also be the first show I’ve seen without Blake (with exception of the very first time I saw them, when Jonny was still the drummer). I knew Blake was just temp, but he had been with them for awhile, so I figured he was just gonna stick. But he’s gone and some new guy named Devin is the drummer. So I want to check him out. And I want to talk to Mark. I like talking to him. Hopefully Jonny and his family, especially his mom, are doing well too. I know she hasn’t been doing too hot, so hopefully my prayers have helped somewhat. Basically, I’m just excited to see them again. It’ll be the last show in SA before what would have been the CD release parties on Jan. 3 & 4 and I realize I’ve said “this will be the last show in SA” like 80 times already, but man, they keep booking shows here! Which I totally don’t mind at all. But yeah, the CD release will be pushed back to Feb. 21 which sucks. But I understand they wanna put out a perfect CD, so I can wait. They’re still gonna have the Jan. 3 & 4 shows plus another one for the actual CD release on the 21st…so if I go to all of those shows, which I fully intend on doing, that would make eight shows. OCHO CONCIERTOS DE NOTHING MORE! Booyah! I’m psyched. My goal is to spread the word about these dudes. I want the world to know and love them like I do. So I’m gonna make a plug and tell all of yall to go to www.myspace.com/nothingmoremusic and listen to their music player. You will fall in love with their music. To quote Mark, “you will not be disappointed and if you are you suck.” Haha, so keep that in mind. You will love it or you suck. Automatically. So you better love it. Jonny, Mark, and Dan have put all they’ve got into this record. You have to respect when bands put their heart and soul into their music and that’s what these guys have done. And they’re just all around good guys. They’re genuine and have good morals and values. So do it. You know you want to. GO LISTEN TO THEIR MUSIC!!

A weird night

And not a good weird either. Around 3:40 this afternoon, I just randomly got these intense stomach pains. They were bad. Bad enough to think I had appendicitis. But I just ignored it and went to pick up Matt from school thinking the pain would go away. They didn’t. They didn’t  go away until about 4 hours after I got them. At one point, I couldn’t sit up or walk. That’s when I really started to get scared. I was in serious pain and started googling appendicitis and a ruptured spleen because those were the only two things I could think of that would explain the pain I felt. I got even more scared because then I’d have to have surgery, so I decided to just suck it up and not let my mom know how bad I was feeling. I don’t like hospitals and I didn’t want to go. The pain wore down some, but it was still there and at that point, I was still scared and I was breathing heavy and shivering out of fear. I didn’t know what was happening and I hate that. So I just kinda layed in my bed and the couch for a few hours and I felt very alone. My brother would walk by and just kinda look at me. He knew I wasn’t feeling good either, but he never asked if I was okay or if I needed something. Neither did my dad, for that matter. Typical of them. My mom asked, naturally, but I didn’t let her know how serious the pain was because I didn’t want her to worry. So I was just kinda there, alone. I could have died on the couch and my brother wouldn’t have even known. I was afraid I was gonna die and no one would know. I was probably overreacting, but that’s how I felt. I was scared. Laying on the couch, scared to death, shivering, and my bro and dad just walked by like nothing was happening. That made me sad. And so yeah, I was feeling like crap so I tried to go to sleep early, took my pill at 10ish…it’s now 1:17 and I’m awake. So that’s frustrating. Just what I needed, a night of insomnia added to the night I already had. I’m incredibly frustrated and everyone is asleep. So I’m here on the couch, watching TV by myself wishing it was like 11 so I could have someone to talk to.

My baby brother

I love him so much. He was taking a nap earlier and I went in his room and watched him sleep for a little bit. I really don’t know why I did that. He looked so sweet sleeping. I just watched him sleep and rubbed his leg and told him I loved him. And he had no idea. Then I just started feeling bad because I realized I’m mean to him. Like, he tries to tell me stuff and I don’t even give him the time of day sometimes. I pretend to listen, but I’m really not. Or I’ll get annoyed and tell him that I don’t care. That’s just mean. I can’t believe how mean to him I can be. And how mean I’ve been in the past. It actually makes me sad to think how I’ve treated him. Not that he’s always treated me with love and respect, because he sure hasn’t. But that’s no excuse for me to be mean to him. He’s my little brother. My baby. How can I be so mean to him? I decided I’m gonna try and not be a jerk to him. Sometimes, well all the time really, I don’t want to hear about what happens at church/youth group and all that. I don’t care what Bryan and Dom think…and I don’t care what Josh and Corey say. But I mean, I gotta at least give him the respect to listen. Maybe he’ll just stop telling me about it because he knows I don’t care, but if he’s excited, why can’t he share things with his sister? I have to be there for him like I am for other people. I should be there for him more, because he’s mi carnal. My flesh and blood. Matty, I want you to know how much I love you. You have no idea. Even when you’re a jerk and mean to me, I still love you. I promise, I’m gonna do better to not be a jerk to you. That’s what I want to do more than anything right now. Be a better big sis to you. I love you brother.

I was doing some thinking

And I am hormonal, by the way, so this might just be a blog full of hormones. Not necessarily in a bad way, it’s just when I get hormonal, I tend to think about life and all that. More often than not, I end up sadder after the thinking like I am now. But I just had a talk with God about it and I believe whole heartedly that He’ll take care of me. It’s just a matter of when. But I was thinking a lot about best friends. Because I see a lot of best friends bumper stickers/flair on facebook and there’s always those questions about best friends on the Myspace surveys I do when I’m bored. And I hate those questions and the stupid bumper stickers/flair because I don’t have a best friend and haven’t had one since early 7thgrade. The funny thing is, I don’t even know why me and that chick stopped being friends. I just remember getting really annoyed with her and not wanting to talk to her anymore. But I don’t know why I was annoyed. I don’t know if she was being a punk or what. So I find it kinda odd that I don’t remember how I stopped being friends with the last best friend I had. But yeah, since then I haven’t had one. I’ve had close friends, but, almost without failure, everyone since 6th grade that I got real close to has somehow, in someway, screwed me over and the friendship is gone. I don’t know why, but it bothers me. And every time this happened, I put up another barrier. I made it just a little harder to get close to me. So needless to say, the barrier is pretty significant now. Which is why I prayed to God, and have been praying this, that He send me someone. Because I need someone. I’m so utterly desperate for a friendship to where that friend is my person. I asked Him too, if that person is already in my life and I don’t realize it, to send me a sign. I just don’t know. I do know that I desperately need someone I can call a best friend. I need someone to come save me from myself. I see people around me, friends of mine, who have that *person* in their life. And I just stop and wonder, why don’t I have that too? The first thing that comes to mind is, what is wrong with me? But I’m figuring out that maybe there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s just not the right time for me to have a person like that. I asked God if it was possible that the right time could come sooner than later. Because I need someone when I’m like this. When I’m hormonal and sad. I need someone to run to. I just don’t feel comfortable to just spill my guts out to anyone. I want so, so badly to just spill my heart out to people. Believe me, I want to and I’ve tried. But there’s always that something that holds me back. Like, what if someone is too busy? I don’t want to impede on their life. What if they’ve got their own issues? I don’t want to force my problems on them when they’ve got stuff to worry about too. Those kind of questions hold me back from spilling everything. So I’m just doing my best holding faith that God will bring that person into my life, or send me a sign that the person is already in my life, at the right/perfect time. Waiting is the hard part, though. I’m an impatient person, especially when I’m hormonal. And I’m a person with pretty low self-esteem. I’m not sure why, but I’ve always felt like that. It’s probably because I was an awkward looking kid growing up. And even though I’ve corrected a lot, if not most, of the awkwardness…I still feel like…like I don’t know. But I’m just not confident with my appearance. I never have been either. And it probably doesn’t help that I’ve never been in a relationship, never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, and never had a kiss…and I’m 20. There are 11 year olds that have more experience than me. I can’t seem to get over that. People tell me it’s no big deal, that when all of that does happen, it’ll be amazing because I’ve waited so long and all that. But those people also aren’t in my position. I appreciate the support, but they don’t know. Try being a 20 year old virgin at EVERYTHING and tell me how you feel. That really lowers my already low confidence level. And, again, I try so hard to just give it all to God and have faith in Him but it’s really, really hard. Which brings me back to the point that I need someone. I need someone to be mine. And I don’t have that. I’m waiting, hoping, and praying that I find them soon. If you’re out there person, I need you.

Because I haven’t written one in awhile

And I’m bored, so why not? I miss my Silver Stars. My girls that I spend every summer with. This season was the greatest season in franchise history, yet it had a very sour ending. We went 24-10 in the regular season, good for best record in the league. We also went 14-0 against the East, so needless to say I was very confident when we reached the Finals. Ugh, and then what? We lay an egg and get swept by Detroit. It was absolutely heartbreaking for me. I was so upset with them and the way the played in the Finals, and really,  the entire playoffs. We didn’t have one solid game in the playoffs, yet somehow we made it all the way to the Finals. It was really disappointing to see my girls choke like that. I really thought it was our year. I mean we had an amazing regular season and a miracle shot in the Western Conference Finals to keep us alive. After So’s shot, I thought we had it (the championship). I thought, shots like that don’t just happen. They lead to something more. Well, it led to a Western Conference Championship  (the way I felt the moment we won is something I’ll never forget) but it didn’t lead to THE championship. And as competitive as I am, I view the 2008 season ultimately as a failure. Despite all we did and despite all we accomplished, it was a failure. OH and speaking of FAIL…stupid snow! Austin gets snow, hell, even parts of SA got snow! But did my ‘hood get snow? Noooo! Oh we get “snow” on the roof for like an hour. By the time I went to look at it, at like 9:30, there was like 4 “snowflakes” left. I was pissed. Ahh the life of an SA resident. Yeah, we don’t get snow but we do get Fiesta and no one else gets that. So we still win. And I love winning!