Life right now

I don’t really know how to describe it. One minute I’m having a great time, the next, I’m mad. No real reason why my mood switches the way it does, which is extremely annoying, but that’s how it is. I really don’t know what to do to change it, other than just try and ride it out and hope it’s just a phase in my life. My personal guess is that it’s depression because I just have no real desire to do anything I love. Like Spurs games, for instance. My aunt offered me her tickets to tomorrow’s game and I really, really do not want to go. And I don’t think there has ever been a time in my life that I have not wanted free tickets to a Spurs game. Like, ever. So I definately know something’s wrong. Oh and I have insomnia too, so I’m on meds. But not like hardcore sleeping pills because I’ve had an “incident” with those, but it’s a psychoactive drug (hey, I’m just reading what the wiki says about it) that combines a seditive, an antidepressant, and something else. So I was hoping it would knock out two birds with one stone, the insomnia and possible depression. But so far, I’ve had mood swings that just frustrate me. So I don’t really know what’s going on. I just know I’ll be having a great stretch of days and then -bam! I’m pissed or emo or whatever. And lucky for all of yall, I’m in one of those emo moods. Oh, did I mention that I’m sarcastic? Because that was sarcasm! Oh yeah, I’m also in one of my “no one gives a sh*t about me” kicks. I know that’s not true, but I really can’t help how I feel on the inside. It’s times like these when I really, really loathe myself for being a damn baby and feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could punch myself in the face and tell myself to get over it and move on with your life. I guess I could do that, but that’d be absolutely ridiculous. And I’m missing that person in my life who can step up and do that for me. Although, I don’t really know if I’d want someone telling me to stfu and get over it all the time. So maybe not having that person is a good thing? I don’t know. I really don’t know anything right now. I’m sure this blog will embarrass me by tomorrow, but whatever. I think I’ll keep it just to remind myself of how I’m feeling at the moment. And teach myself a lesson to not be an emo whiner. To suck it up, get over it, and move on with my life. In the meantime, I’ll rant about how I don’t like how I’m feeling right now. And right now the tears started up again because I’m thinking about my grandma. Today is her 6 month anniversary. And I can’t remember the last time I saw her awake and lucid. She had Alzheimer’s and was basically in a medically-induced coma for the last week-week and a half of her life. It was heartbreaking to watch and I’m still not fully “over it”. I don’t think I ever will be. I can still picture her, plain as day, laying in her hospice bed after she passed away. And in the body bag. Yeah, I saw her in that thing. THAT will never, ever leave my memory. Well, my brother and father just got home so it’s time for me to suck back those tears and pretend nothing is wrong. I’m really good at pretending nothing is wrong.