Stressing

I’m pretty upset right now because I’m realizing that my Exercise and Sports Science degree isn’t preparing me for anything. The stupid description on StMU’s website says, “The major also serves as preparation for graduate study in areas such as exercise physiology, athletic training and sports rehabilitation.” Lies. Absolute lies. If it really prepared you for grad school, then it would have helped me fulfill my prerequisites for grad school. It has not. How, in any way, is Fall and Spring Sports supposed to prepare anyone for grad school? Yeah they were fun classes, but they were a waste of time. I’m feeling like my whole time at StMU has been a big waste of time. And I’m starting to get really pissed off about it. I went to StMU in hopes of getting prepared to have a career in sports. Tuition ain’t cheap; it’s a private Catholic school. And what am I getting out of it? A joke of a degree that didn’t come through with it’s promise to prepare me for a career or grad school. When you’re paying $22k a year for nothing, you can start to get a little irritated. That’s where I’m at now. I’m irritated. And my advisor, love her to death, but she keeps telling me, “Oh, you’ll be fine. You’ll be fine.” but I’m realizing…no I won’t. This degree, this school hasn’t and isn’t going to help me get all my prereq’s for grad school. That’s annoying! We’re paying too much money and getting crap in return. I’m not trying to trash my school or anything; it’s a great school if you want to major in business or something in law. But for me, no. It’s wasted my time. And it’s too late to get the hell out. It’s impossible to not be stressed or upset in this situation. Impossible.

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas

I saw it today. I had wanted to see it since I saw the previews for it because I’ve always been really intrigued with the Holocaust. Never been much of a history nerd, but the Holocaust has always, always been an interesting subject for me. So I was really excited to see this movie. I felt amazingness seeping out of it from just the previews. And I went into the movie thinking, “okay movie, blow my mind.” And it did. I don’t think I’ve ever been blown away by a movie like this before…ever. Wow. Just wow…that’s all I could really say afterwards. It was one of those movies where, after it was over and the credits were rolling, everyone just kind of sat there. No one got up for a good couple of minutes. We all just sat there, staring at the screen completely blown away. I even heard some people muttering, “wow”. I was completely captivated by this movie the entire time. And movies, especially “deep” ones, don’t do this to me. There’s usually always a period where I’m bored or not so into it. Not the case for this movie. It was pure amazing. Every second of it. I won’t really get into details of it because I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. My brother asked me what it was about and I barely told him. He said just to tell him what happens because he wasn’t going to watch it anyway, but I refused. And I’ll refuse to tell anyone what happened because, even if you say you won’t watch it, if you ever do…I don’t want anything to be ruined. I wouldn’t want to ruin a second of this movie for anyone. But the basic storyline follows an 8 year old German boy named Bruno. His dad is a high ranking Nazi official and the family is moved out of Berlin and into the countryside. It so happens that there is a concentration camp not too far from the home and Bruno discovers it while exploring the woods behind the house. He meets a boy his age named Shumel, who is in the camp. Bruno is very innocent and wants to know why Shumel is wearing “striped pajamas”. The story evolves from there. And what I thought was really cool about the movie is that it was told (or seen) from Bruno’s point of view. It’s his innocent view of this kind of discrimination and hatred. Yeah…so go watch the movie. You won’t be disappointed and if you are, you suck. No, not really. But it really is a great movie and I can’t see how anyone wouldn’t like it.

My Thanksgiving

Today was my first Thanksgiving without my grandma and dog. It was okay. It had it’s good moments. I did feel sick later in the afternoon though. Like stomach cramps, although I didn’t over eat or anything. And then a couple of my trademark headaches. That blew. Good thing, my Cowboys won. Bad thing, my Aggies lost. Something else was no bueno too, but I’m not gonna go into that. It was more of a disappointment than anything. Oh well, I had no control over it. So yeah, it was an okay day. What really made me smile though was the texts from my friends/family. It made me feel good knowing that I was worth sending a ‘Happy Thanksgiving’ text to. So thank you to everyone who did that, it made my day. Little things like that make my day, just like little things can ruin it. But, again, I can’t worry about things I can’t control. So I guess the day was alright.

Thanksgiving manana

I’m not really looking forward to it, either. The last two years, I’ve spent Thanksgiving down in San Diego, TX…with my grandma. This year, I can’t. My grandma isn’t here for me to spend the day with and it makes me very sad. And especially sad because the last two years, I didn’t want to go down there. I wanted to stay in SA. Now I’m getting to stay in SA, but I don’t want to. I just wanna be with my grandma and I can’t. I miss her very much and I miss my dog very much as well. I haven’t been the same since losing them. I feel like a part of me is missing and I haven’t been able to fill that void. It makes me very sad. You know, the holiday’s are supposed to be a time for family…and for the first time in years, I’m missing some of my family. It really, really hurts me. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow or Christmas. It’ll just remind me even more of what I lost this year. 2008 was rough. It had good moments, yes, but overall it was very rough. I’m trying so hard to put my faith in God and give it all to Him but it’s been extremely difficult. I’m doing my best, but it’s still hard. And then I’m lonely, which doesn’t help at all. You know, that’s hard on me too. I’m 20 years old and I’ve never been in a relationship, never been on a date, never even been kissed. And I don’t have a best friend or that one person that I can run to whenever I’m feeling like this. I haven’t had one in probably…8 years. It’s very, very hard. Just writing that down gave me a lump in my throat. The only thing I feel like I can turn to, other than God, is this blog. The things I wish I could say to people, but can’t, I say here. I put everything down here because I can’t possibly keep it inside anymore. There’s simply no room. And it’s gotta get out in order for me to retain my sanity, or what’s left of it. Everyday is pretty difficult for me, going through this life alone. I can only pray that God sends me someone, hopefully soon, but someone that can fill my needs. I just don’t know when that will be. Maybe that somone is in my life already, I just don’t know. I just gotta keep praying, keep hoping, keep my faith. And believe me, I don’t want this to turn into another “poor me, poor me” blog. But I’m just letting my feelings out, the way I feel now. I’m just at a crossroads in my life, it seems, and I don’t know which direction to go. I need someone to point me in the right direction. Or to guide me.
I cry aloud to the Lord;
I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.
I pour out complaint before him;
before him I tell my trouble.
When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who know my way.
In the path where I walk
men have hidden a snare for me.
Look to my right and see;
no one is concerned for me.
…
I cry to you, O Lord;
I say, “You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living.”
Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need
…
-Part of Psalm 142
That happened to be the Psalm for today and I thought it was fitting for what I am feeling and going through. And I thought it had a place in the blog. I’ve been crying a lot of nights lately. And I thought it was just my medicine giving me crazy mood swings. And maybe it is. But maybe it’s just the cry of my heart. Maybe it’s my spirit crying out to me telling me to pray with all I’ve got. So I have been the last few nights. I’ve been praying with all my heart. I’ve been real honest with God during those prayers. I know He hears them and He always answers, maybe not in the way we’d expect or like, but He always answers us. Especially when we’re praying from the heart. I’m in desperate need for prayer. If anyone happens to run across this blog and believes in prayer, I’d very much appreciate it. My thanks would be never ending. I believe in the power of prayer, and yall, I need prayer. Thank you in advance and…

…that’s all I’ve got. I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving and God bless.

Wow, I feel relieved

It’s hard for me to put into words what I just felt and what I believe just happened. As some of yall know, lately I’ve been wrestling with some sort of anger or rage in my heart. I’ve been having mood swings like crazy and have just, overall, felt bad. I’m a person that goes to church weekly and reads the Bible every night, but lately, I haven’t wanted to do either. I haven’t been getting anything out of church or out of reading the Bible. Yesterday while I was reading Jeremiah (I have this thing that lists what to read each day so that you finish the Bible in a year) I just had enough and stopped. I had no idea what I was reading and wasn’t getting anything out of it so I decided to just read Psalms and not everything else. So that’s what I did tonight too. I read Psalms 140 and then prayed like I do every night. Last night I also decided that I need to focus my prayers on myself because I’ve been neglecting myself. And, let’s face it, I need help. So I began to pray and all of a sudden, I just felt like I needed to say something to God. I said if there was anything bad, anything evil in my heart that was filling me up with rage and ugliness, that it needed to go away. If it was an evil spirit or the devil, it needed to get out. I don’t want to live my life filled with rage. I asked God to drive whatever it was that was making me feel awful out. Whatever was making me angry with the people I love the most, making me be ugly towards them (even subtly), I asked Him to rid me of that. Because lately I have been so angry at some people, some people I love so much. And much of it without reason. Well, I prayed that and I prayed it with all my heart. With everything I had, I prayed it. When I did that, I can’t explain the feeling I felt…it was like peace. I hadn’t felt that kind of peace in my heart in so long. I could literally feel it…and I let out a deep breath and the ugliness I was feeling was gone. While I was asking God to help me, I was crying. Tears poured down my face. I was humbled. I still have a lump in my throat from that. But I believe with all my heart that there was something evil inside me making me have all this rage and anger. And I truly believe that God drove it out. And I’m free. I hope this is a new start for me. I’m blessed.

Day 1 of thinking of myself

It went better than I thought it would. I thought I would feel insanely guilty, but not really. I mean, I felt a little bad but not really that much. Not as bad as how I feel when people ignore me. That to me is extremely insulting. So even though I feel a tad bit bad, people have made me feel worse, so it makes up for it. Plus I truly do need to worry about myself since I rarely ever do. We’ll see how tomorrow goes. I’m sure it’ll be easier as I get used to it. It’s weird to think of myself as my top priority but it’s long overdue. Basically, I’ve taken the attitude of: I’ll do what I damn well please! Seriously, I’m a grown woman, I’ll do what I want. As Eric Cartman from South Park would say, “Whatever, I’ll do what I want!” And I will. Whether anyone likes it or not. And I’m not initiating any conversations either. If someone has something to say, then they can tell me. I ain’t gonna be starting any conversations because I don’t want to be perceived as annoying by some. And I don’t wanna be ignored. So that’s what’s up.

Total ego boost

Today after class, my prof asked me and another student to meet him up in his office because he wanted to talk to us about doing research. So we went up and he explains to us when we’d be doing the research and whatnot. I’m not really sure what it’s about because he didn’t go into any details, but it has to do with dendritic cells and we’re gonna be doing something to them. So yes, he got a grant and he asked the two of us to help him because he said we were the two most motivated students he has. And he tells us that we’re gonna present our results at the Undergrad Research Symposium, which we both were iffy about until we realized it’s more of a science-fair type thing than an actual presentation. Like we’re gonna have a poster and people will walk by and ask questions, so we won’t be in front of an audience or anything, which we were both relieved about. He said this sort of thing looks great on a resume, which was another plus for me. Also, if we get sufficient results, we could have our work published and since we helped with it, we’d be co-authors. That, to me, was totally rad and something that would look amazing on a resume. Then he just wanted to talk to us about what we’re planning on doing with our Exercise and Sports Science degrees and when we told him, he said we were too talented to be in this department and we’d be better off as Biology majors. Wow! Total, major ego boost right there. I told him that I think I’m too lazy to be a Bio major and he told me that if I can cut it in his classes, which I have, then I can cut it in any Bio class because he pushes his students and expects a lot out of us. So that was nice. But I doubt I’m gonna switch majors now. I’m already gonna be a senior next semester and it would be waaaaay too much to catch up on. Plus, I really love my major. I love the environment of it, although he’s right, we’re not being challenged or anything here. So I’m kind of at a crossroads at what to do. It looks like I’m gonna stay in the EX dept. We shall see though.

I’m getting a vibe

A strong to fairly strong vibe that I’m getting on people’s neves. That I’m irritating and annoying. So I’ve decided to chill out and just worry about one person, and one person only. Myself. I’m gonna look out for number one before I look out for anyone else. Everyone goes down a notch on my priority list and I go straight to the top. My mom and brother, of course, are the exception as they’re always at the top. Everyone else though, bumped down. I don’t want to annoy anyone and if I feel that my sheer presence is annoying, I’m going to back off. And I will. So for now until further notice, I’m doing things according to my schedule, no one else’s. Anyone who contacts me will be interrupting my schedule and I’ll decide if it’s worth responding to. If I’m not in the mood, then I won’t respond. If I’m in a good mood, then I will. It all depends on how Steph is feeling at the moment. If something is inconvenient to me, then I won’t do it (or whatever) until I feel like it. No more going out of my way to serve and help others until I feel like it. Don’t take anything personally, people. I just need, really need, to start taking care of myself because I neglect myself. Or at the very least, I put other people ahead of myself on the priorities list and I really shouldn’t. I don’t mean to sound selfish, but quite honestly I have gone out of my way soooo many times for people that I forget to take care of myself. And that ain’t right to me. So this vibe I’m getting is going to be a blessing in disguise because it’s going to lead me to focus on me, first and foremost. Everyone else has had my attention for too long, it’s time I payed attention to myself. Call it selfish or whatever, I don’t care. I call it looking out for #1. I am my new #1 and I will look out for myself before I look out for anyone else. That’s how it’s gonna go until I get a change of heart. And because I don’t like to feel like I annoy people, I’m gonna back off and focus on myself. That’s what I need right now, for someone to have my back. And since no one has stepped up, I’m gonna have my own back. Everyone goes down, I go up.

Nothing More!!

I had such a great time at KISS’s Giving Thanks to Rock Fest last night. I was there for one reason, to see Nothing More in their last show in SA until the CD release parties in January. And they didn’t disappoint! Before the show we hit up Whataburger because Matt was hungry and when he’s hungry, I know to get him food or else he’ll be a pain in the butt for the rest of the night. Funny story, as we were going back to my car, I put my soda and food on the top of my car so I could find my keys. I brought the food down and then took off. As we were turning out, my brother told me that the dude turning in was giving me a thumbs up. I thought that was weird, but then figured it was just a nice Texan you know, because we do that. We’re nice people down in SA. So whatevs, I turn and I’m waiting at a red light and I get thirsty. I look for my soda and wtf, it’s not there! Then it all clicks with the three of us, the soda is on the top of my car and that’s why the dude was giving me a thumbs up…telling me the soda was up there. So I bust out laughing, roll the window down, practically stick half my body out the car, and grab my soda. It was still there! Yay! So we drive down to downtown since the venue was just outside downtown and I’ve never driven downtown before, so that was an experience. We get sort of lost, basically the venue was kinda hidden so we drove past it, but eventually we found it and parked. We jaywalked across the street where we had another adventure with the homie at will call. I don’t know if he just misunderstood me or wasn’t paying attention, but he was like “you owe us $15 because it’s the day of the show”…what? No bro, I preordered the tickets online last week for $9.95. “Yeah but, it’s the day of the show so it’s $15 unless you brought a toy, then it’s $9.95″…but I already paid $9.95 online. So whatevs, that goes on for like 5 minutes and then we gotta find an ATM because I think this dude is telling me we gotta pay $15 each to get in and I didn’t have enough money for my bro and I. I had a $20 so I paid for Matt, then Alex got $40 from the ATM and we go back to homeboy and he’s like, “no, you can go in, you already paid.” wtf bro, you told me it was $15 each!? Then he’s like no…so whatevs, I explain to him AGAIN that all three of us bought the tickets online last week for $9.95 and he’s like “ohhhh!!” and gives me my money back. Ugh…well whatever, we got in. So we go up to the stage and some band named Drive is playing. The frontman totally had guyliner on, but he was still really hot. They were pretty good too. They played some of their own songs and then they covered “Killing In the Name Of” by Rage Against the Machine and “Pot” by Tool…they sounded really good too. Anyways, after their set we went and sat down for a bit because they said Taproot was up next which started to annoy me because Nothing More was supposed to be on at 8 and it was like 7:40. So we sat and chilled and this DJ and drummer came on and started playing while the next band was setting up. Then I noticed Jonny setting up and I got excited and we walked back to the stage and yep, Nothing More was setting up. Yay! Jonny saw us standing there and both my brother and I had NM shirts so he saw us, pointed, gave us a “whoo!” and the rock on thing, which was cool. So we waited and they finished setting up, but those dudes wouldn’t stop playing. And it was annoying rap/hip-hop music too. Finally they freakin finished playing and my boys came on.

They opened with that “Burn the Witch” song, which btw I have no idea if it’s called that or what, but that’s what I call it because they yell “burn the witch!” several times. And I yell it too because it’s the only part I know. Then…well I’m not sure of the order of songs, but I think they played “The Cleansing” next, which is sick. I love that song. Then I wanna say it was “Waiting on Rain” which, I told my brother sounds ridiculously sick full band, and he finally got to hear it and he agreed. Oh yeah, then the craziest thing happened. I think “The Me” was on next, but right after “Waiting on Rain” it started to rain! Way awesome. It only rained for a couple mintues though and it was just more of a drizzle. After “The Me”, they did “Bassonator” and their drum instrumental. Sick and sick, as usual. Speef liked the drum instrumental because it was cool! TayTay Mancan came on y todo. They get so into it too. I believe then they played another new song that I didn’t know called “The Few Not Fleeting”…I think, or something along those lines. It’s also the name of their new CD. So yes, it was a good song and I can’t wait to hear it on the CD. Then they did a cover of a Christian song that was actually really good and I remember them doing it at their last show too. I don’t know the name of it though. They closed with “Sixtysecondaffair” with the “Under the Eyes of Selene” intro and of course, it was sick. Then Jonny told everyone to come hang out with them at the merch booth, which was perfect because that’s what we wanted to do! Oh I forgot to say, sometime during the show, I think it was after the drum instrumentals, Jonny was talking and he asked if anyone had ever been to a NM show before. Then he pointed at us and said something like, “I know these guys have because they have shirts on” and I said, “Hell yeah!” haha…it was cool. After the show, we walked over to the merch booth and Speef bought a shirt and the Save You/Save Me CD. Jonny comes over and he’s like “HEY!” and gives Speef and I hugs and gives my brother that man-hug thing haha. So we talk to him for a bit and he goes to help sell some merch. Then Mark comes over and says, “Hey Steph!” and I giggle inside because he remembers my name from like…the 4 times we talked on Myspace. Yay…and he gives me a hug and then introduces himself to my brother and Alex. We talk for a few minutes and he has the cutest little Southern accent! And he sounds like a little boy, he was really sweet. We talk some and then when we run out of things to say, it got a little weird and he just kinda smiled and gave us a thumbs up haha. So then I got a pic with him, told him bye, and there were hugs all around! Then we talked to Jonny for a little and I got a pic, a little more talking, then bye, and another hug!! Dude I love giving musicians hugs haha. It was a fun night. Yay for Nothing More!

Dear Parajita,

My last blog inspired me to write a letter to a friend I lost. To someone I thought was gonna be my partner in crime for life. This one is for you. Remember all the fun we had in Video Tech, Physics, Spanish 3 with Tattersall, and Spanish 4 with Reynosa? Remember our times in college, with those crazy professors and in boring Geology? Those were some good times, some of the best. I miss it. I miss laughing with you over absolutely nothing at all. Thank you for writing me that poem to use for our video project in video tech. Thanks for being a great friend and writing me the poem all dark and emo so I could make my acting debut as a druggie. Everyone else would have told me no, that I was crazy. But you laughed it off and wrote me a ridiculously emo part and I had fun making yall laugh while filming it. Brenna hitting me in the head, Brenna and Sara ignoring me, Katrina and that dude as my parents yelling at each other (with Katrina trying REALLY hard not to laugh), and Sara’s bro slapping me in the face for real…and it hurting, but me laughing anyway. My whole scene where I snorted lines of “coke” that were actually pixy stix…LOL. Then snorting them for real after class, just to make yall laugh. And you had my back the whole time, writing and filming this because you knew it would be hilarious even though we tried really hard to make it dark. It wasn’t. It was lame! My acting was terrible lol. But there you were, you let me do it anyway and I appreciate it. Text by Katrina…hahaha. HA, and then remember our documentary project that Katrina and Brenna had absolutely no part in (text by Katrina again lol)? Remember how you and I wanted to do it about food and have me eating all different kinds of food, and spitting it out when it was gross? And how you were absent the day we decided and I fought for the food, but was overruled by Sara, Katrina, and Brenna. They wanted to do it about college. Yo, I fought for the food idea. I just lost haha. So we put it off and put if off…then eventually decide to go to UTSA to film. The first day, we just chilled at your house and at Walmart lol. Actually, Katrina was there! And everyone but me fell alseep on your couch watching a bootleg version of The Incredibles, but I was the only freaking one that didn’t want to watch it!! And I was the only one awake! Then that next time we actually went to UTSA, but it was only you, me, and Sara. And none of us had the nerve to ask anyone for an interview because omg they were in college and we were just juniors in high school!! Hahaha…finally you grew a pair and asked a lady. We filmed it and went to look for more people. Remember how Sara was scared? And how we went up to some dude sitting under a tree and Sara walked away pretending she wasn’t with us? Haha and then we were rejected by him. Then you started getting irritated and that freaked me out so I found a dude, Ralph, and he was real chill and let us film him. Yeah dude, I was scared of you! I was like, oh crap I don’t wanna piss her off! Haha and Sara never asked anyone. And then omg, our music for the documentary!!! Sh*tty!! Because for whatever reason, Rosearl and John decided to “help” Sara, Katrina, and I during lunch with our music and they ended up not letting me do anything. Once again, you were absent and I had to fight by myself. I lost again. Haha so the music was terrible and some other group in our class had almost the exact same kind. Too freakin funny!! That was the start of our friendship. We had Physics and Spanish 3 together junior year too. Then Spanish 4 senior year. How fun was that? Remember that “Mexico” you made me…it’s still hanging in my car and will always hang in my car. And then the valentines we had to make for class for each other. And playing hangman, Uno, and that dot game instead of doing work. Hahaha omg and then being in the language lab emailing each other, while we sat next to each other, then Reynosa catching me doing it. Yeah, just me. And telling me, “Chica, print that email out now so I can read it!!” And since it was about her, I said no. I kept telling her no until she gave up and said to just not do it again. Yeah, I couldn’t even look at you because you would make me laugh. And when she cried twice in class, I couldn’t look at you then either. Then we get to college and we’re Rattlers together. I’ll never forget American Lit class…one of the first days too. Mean old prof asking a question, us answering it, and then being told that we’re a distraction to the class. Then she made us separate and you being the WONDERFUL friend you were, you made ME move!! Hahaha. I tried pulling that, “no” on her like I did with Reynosa and it totally didn’t work. Remember how she’d make us pray before class. That was always awkward. Then next sememster with crazy Brit Lit lady who got in my face when I forgot to do that essay that wasn’t even for a grade. And how she’d get in my face everytime I didn’t bring a dictionary to class because we never freaking used it!! Or we’d look up stupid words like “if”…wtf? And how she’d always talk about tea, every fricken class. Good times, right? Then boring Geology…but that field trip to Enchanted Rock!! Haha and how I was a loser and wanted to race you up the “mountain” and how you didn’t want to but I kept on and kept on. Then I teased you because you were a soccer player and you and that chick were huffing and puffing to keep up with me as I practically ran up the damn rock. Ugh, and then we didn’t even make it to the top because it started to rain and SOMEONE wanted to go back to the bus!! lol so then I decided to race you down the “mountain” and you didn’t want to either. I still won, though. And then wanting to race you to the bus, again you didn’t want to! But whatevs, you know it was funny. We had a good time. We always had good times. We’d have the most random moments, but those were some of the best. And now you’re gone. I don’t have you anymore and I miss you sooo much. I miss hanging out with you and laughing about nothing or remembering all of our times in high school. Some of my most favorite moments in high school were with you. I wish we were still friends, I miss you like crazy!