Things I wish I could say

I don’t think people realize how deep I am. And that’s because I don’t allow myself to be deep in front of anyone. I come off as extremely quiet, but once you get to know me, you’ll find that I’m a huge sarcastic dork and will do almost anything to get people to laugh. But underneath all the sarcasm lies a person that nobody knows. I have demons and I fight them everyday without the aid of anyone but God. God knows me and I know me. And that’s it. I’m a multi-layered person and nobody knows it. I have scars and wounds that are hidden so far inside of me that sometimes I forget that they’re there. But they never heal. How can they if I keep them buried inside of me? No one knows this side of me because I’m too scared to let it out. Today I met a friend of my parents whom I have heard a lot about, but never met. I met a few of them, actually. But this one in particular, I don’t know what it was about him, but I wanted to completely spill my heart out to him and tell him everything about my dad. Because he knows my dad. Well, he “knows” my dad. Everyone at church “knows” my dad, but no one actually knows him like we (his family) do. He’s not a bad person, but I struggle with him every day. And I just wanted to tell this guy EVERYTHING. Why? I have no clue. Why not tell someone that I know? Why not spill my heart out to them? I don’t know. I’ve tried to before, but I’ve never been able to do it. There’s so many things I have to say. So, so, so many. But I don’t say them. I think I’m scared of letting people see me. And I’m scared that they’ll think my struggles with my dad are stupid and pointless. And maybe they are stupid and pointless, but the reality is that they’re real. I struggle with what he does and with what he says. Sometimes I can’t even look at him. And geez, I can’t even tell my mom these things. If I can’t tell her, how can I tell anyone? She probably knows the most out of everyone, but trust me, it doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. But like I said, I’m too scared to let people know how I feel for fear that they’ll blow it off like it’s nothing. It’s happened somewhat before. And ever since then, I swore off telling anyone and I’ve stuck by that. I’m a stubborn person. I should really be sleeping or, at the very least, studying for my psychology test tomorrow afternoon. But instead I watched the movie “Little Children” and it made me feel very weird. It put me in a mood. I liked the movie, I think. It definitely put me in a weird mood. I actually don’t really know how to feel about it. The fact that it can put me in a weird mood says a lot. Movies don’t usually do that to me. So I guess that’s a compliment towards the movie. But I also don’t particularly like feeling moody or being confused about the mood. I don’t know…it was a weird night. Not bad, just weird.

Nothing More CD release

So much awesome-ness happened last night that I can’t possibly fit it all into one blog, so I’m just gonna talk about the best parts. I won’t even go into the opening bands other than Mark made a cameo appearance on the last song of Merriweather’s set and Jonny and Devin made cameo apperances during the last song of TheLastPlaceYouLook’s set. Oh yes, and while I was watching TLPYL I felt a little kick in the back of my knee. I turned around to see who it was and it was Mark! He gave me a hug and we talked for a little bit. He said he was “so fricken excited” for their set. So was I, of course. So okay, TLPYL finishes and Nothing More starts to set up. They set up pretty fast actually and then go off the stage and the lights are turned down. So everyone starts flipping out because we’re all “fricken excited”. No one comes on the stage for awhile though. Then this bald dude comes on, picks up Mark’s strat and starts talking. His name was Joe and he does all of NM’s merch. Joe the merchguy! Okay, so he says that he’s so in love with this girl and he wants her to come on stage. So she walks up towards the front, right next to me, and some dude helps her up. And then Joe tells her that he loves her and that he wants to sing her a song. The song was “Rest of My Life” by Unwritten Law. It was sooo cute. And at the end of the song, he busts out a ring, gets down on one knee and proposes!! She said yes too. It was the most adorable thing I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life! Okay whatever, finally NM comes on. Everyone went crazy. Some special things they did during their set, well for one, it was Dan’s 25thbirthday. And he said all he wanted was to crowd surf. So after he was assured the crowd would catch and not drop him, he got his wish and crowd surfed. Then he took a shot of Patron. Mark had a little guitar solo in between songs. It was pretty sick especially because he played it withhis mouth. Yeah that’s right. Oh they played “Bring Back the Day” which was cool considering I’ve never heard them play it live. They finally brought back the drum routine and Blake and a couple other guys did it withthem. At one point, it was Devin on the regular drums with Blake, Mark, Dan and the other guys on Jonny’s auxilary drums. Jonny was gone and all of a sudden he was in the back of the room by the sound board playing drums. It was really weird, but really cool. And it was a long drum routine, but long in a good way. They closed with  “Vesica Piscis” before coming back for a two-song encore of “Fat Kid” and “Gone”. Everyone was yelling for “Fat Kid” and then Drake comes out eating a twinkie and talks about being fat. Then everyone’s favorite former fat kid, Dan, comes out eating a twinkie and then the lead singer from TLPYLcomes out with a box of twinkies and throws them out to all the fat kids in the crowd. Then it gets to the very last song of the night, and I think the most important. Jonny talked about the song and how it’s for his mom. His mom just passed away a few weeks ago and this was their first show in SA since. To say the song was emotional would be an understatement. I almost lost it several times during the song. Jonny had to stop singing at times and he kept wiping his eyes. Dan and Mark too were both very…I don’t know how to describe it. Just really into the song, but differently than they have been before. It was very touching. At the end of the song, after Jonny sung the last “gone”, he literally just threw the mic down and went straight backstage and was wiping his eyes. Poor guy. If you didn’t have at least a lump in your throat during the song, then you’ve really got no heart. After the show, I bought myself a new shirt and went to find Mark for a post-show hug. We talked for a bit and then I took off because it was after 1 and my feet were killing me. It was the best show yet. And I’ve gone to eight shows. It was one of those where, on the way home, I turned off the radio and drove home in silence because nothing could compare to what I just heard. It was sweeeeeeeet!

I can’t even imagine

I can’t imagine losing my mother at this age. My mom is the most important person in my life and I love her more than anyone, so losing her would be the worst thing to ever happen to me. And for the past few months, I’ve kept a certain family in my prayers. Jonny’s family. His mom had cancer and I prayed that she would somehow recover and live a long, healthy life. She passed away yesterday. I never met her, yet I want to cry. I have a huge lump in my throat and my heart just goes out to the family. Jonny is amazing and the last few times he and Nothing More covered “Vesica Piscis” in honor of his mom, I’ve gotten chills. And it’s just not right for him to have to endure this at 22 years old. I hope he and his family keep faith that God will take care of them through the most difficult time in their lives. I’ll keep praying for them, like I’ve been doing. I know I’ll be emotional next time I see him and next time they play that song. It’s just so inspiring to hear him sing that song. It’s something I wish everyone could experience.

RIP Mrs. Hawkins

Thoughts for today 1/11

-Happy 21st birthday JJ! 7 months and a day until mine.

-All of a sudden I got in a bad mood and don’t want to talk. To anyone.

-Football is pissing me off because not ONE team I have rooted for has won a playoff game. And I’ve rooted for the Giants, Titans, Vikings, Dolphins, Falcons, and Panthers. So at this point, I don’t care who wins it all, as long as it’s not the eagles.

-I think Santonio Holmes is a stupid name.

-Last night we chilled with some family friends and it was so much fun. I wish I could have a night like that every week.

-I smile every time someone writes on my wall on Facebook or leaves me a comment on Myspace.

-Brian Dawkins is a thug and I would like to punch him in the face.

-Earlier, the smell from the caldo my dad was making made me feel nauseous, but now it smells good.

-School starts tomorrow and I’m not excited.

-I have a headache and did nothing productive today. I haven’t even left the house.

-I like when people call me, but I do not always like calling people.

Random thoughts

I’m kinda bored…so why not?

-I absolutely love the fact that the Boston Celtics are losing! Haha that’s what yall get! Not so tough anymore Garnett?

-Those little girls who compete in beauty pageants scare the crap out of me. They look like dolls, but like, dolls that are alive. And that’s scary.

-I miss Nothing More. A lot. I can’t wait for their CD release on Feb. 21.

-School starts Monday. I’m not happy or excited about it.

-Ever since high school, I’ve wanted to be on the Real World. And after watching the season premiere the other day, I realized I still want to be on it. I really, really want to be on it. I want to have a bond with people and share a special experience that only we’ll have. And I don’t know how to have that other than being on the Real World.

-I’m bored, yet I refuse to call or text people. I’m weird when it comes to that. I wait to be called/texted out of past experiences when people don’t answer.

-My brother is on a church retreat and his gf is there too, which upsets me.

-I split a top shelf strawberry margarita with my mom today and it was delicious. I didn’t care that I was underage.

-I’m in need of a vacation. Yeah, I know, I’m on break now…but I mean an actual vacation. I haven’t been on one since we went to Santa Fe to snowboard back in 2007. Going to Garner and Rockport don’t count as vacation to me.

-”Vesica Piscis” by the now defunct band SouthFM is currently my favorite song. And I’m falling in love with Paco Estrada’s voice.

-I got to take JJ to her first ever Spurs game last night. It was cool and it was nice to hang with her. This past week/week and a half is the most I’ve chilled with her since high school.

-7 months and 3 days until my 21st birthday!

-I miss my dog, Buster. I miss him everyday.

-LMAO because Candace Parker is preggers. So that’s why you and Shelden eloped! And lol at you supposedly being back in time for the season…yeah right.

-I’m getting slightly worried that Ann Wauters hasn’t re-signed. I’m not scared she’ll sign elsewhere, but I’m scared she just won’t come back.

-I really hope my dinner plans work out manana although I won’t be surprised if they don’t.

-One person texted me today. One text too. That depresses me.

-Barack Obama is hot. Seriously, he is.

-I think my cousin is a Blood. I’m hoping he’s not.

-Bromance might be the stupidest show in the history of TV. Actually, it’s probably tied for the stupidest with The Hills, The City, and all those A Shot at Love shows.

-Even though we ate dinner at a Mexican restaurant, I’m craving some salsa.

-I’m still bored…and still refusing to call/text :p

A trippy dream

The last two nights I’ve been having really weird dreams. Last nights was crazy weird. I was playing on some team. A team of what, and what we were playing, I have no clue. But I was a starter and team captain. It was also the first game of the season and we were playing phoenix. I hate phoenix and hated them in the dream. So I gathered up my teammates for a huddle before the game in hopes to get them pumped up. They didn’t seem too responsive, but I didn’t care. I was fired up! On my team at the beginning of the dream was myself, my brother, Ruth Riley and Sophia Young of the San Antonio Silver Stars, Aqua Franklin of the Sacramento Monarchs, Tangela Smith of the phoenix mercury, my friends Sara and Rosearl from high school, and some dude. Why Aqua and Tan were on the team…I have no idea. Actually, why anyone was on the team…and why I was the captain, I have no idea either. So like I said, I was a starter/team captain and I specifically remember Aqua and Tan on the bench to start the game. Aqua was pissed about it and I told her she was a rookie and this was her first game, so she was coming off the bench. Plus, she and I played the same position and I was going to start. My brother, for some reason, was doing the jump ball to start. I don’t know why considering 6′5 Ruth Riley was on our team. But before the jump ball, “The Me” by Nothing More came on and my brother and I rocked out to it. When it was over, the ref did the toss and the game started. My brother and the chick he was jumping against both sucked, but I eventually got the ball and took off down some stairs and shot a layup, missed like 4 times, kept getting my rebound, and finally scored. This is when everything got weird. My brother wasn’t there anymore and there was no more basketball. Some fat 1,500 lbs guy on the other team decided to sit on me after I scored. And he wouldn’t get up! I couldn’t breathe or talk and all I could really do was bang on the floor. My teammates kept walking past and either they didn’t see some fat dude sitting on me or they pretended to not see. I was dying. Finally, the dude on my team came and pushed fatty off and to retaliate, I sat on him! Now he’s 1,500 lbs and I’m not, but apparently I was hurting him because he was acting like a baby saying he couldn’t breathe and all that. My teammates came up to me FURIOUS that I had the audacity to sit on him and yelled at me to get off. WTF? HE SAT ON ME! They didn’t care and left. I was mad, but kept playing whatever it was that we were playing. I couldn’t find most of my teammates, so I went to look for them. I think I called Tan into the game during this time too. Then I found my teammates. They were sitting in a computer room (where that came from, I don’t know) and they were either typing stuff or writing stuff. Sara and Rosearl were there typing and they didn’t realize I was there. So I glanced over at what they were writing and it was a list of things they liked and didn’t like about the team. And lo and behold, at the top of the list was what they didn’t like. And I saw my name. WHAT!? So I kept reading and it said things like “too intense”, “too competitive” and “sat on a player’s neck”. And I dream-thought to myself, “How can I be too competitive? I’m competing!” I agree with my dream-self too. What kind of competitor would I be if I wasn’t competitive? So I called them out like wtf dude, I’m the team captain! And they said they thought it was mean of me to sit on someone because he couldn’t breathe and I hurt his neck. That’s when I noticed Ruth was writing a list in a purple pen. I don’t know why it was in purple, but it was and when she noticed I was looking at her, she started to erase the last two things she wrote on the list. But I had already seen. It was a list of things/people she didn’t like and she had my name down like 4 times. I told her it was okay to put my name down and I wouldn’t hold it against her. She was like alright and continued writing my name. I was getting annoyed and I decided to call Erin Buescher to see if she was to be joining us this season. I knew she was in Greece for her wedding, but I thought maybe she’d join us afterwards. I give her a call, tell her I miss her, and ask if she’s gonna come back. She says no, not this season. So I tell Ruth and Sophia she won’t be playing this year. By this time, I really had no idea who was “winning” whatever we were playing and I decided to put the rookie Aqua Franklin in and give myself a break. As I was walking over to the bench, our coach tells me that I’m benched and not only is Aqua subbing in for me, but she’s going to be starting in place of me for the time being. I’m stunned and Aqua comes over and gets real sarcastic and snippy to me, which pisses me off. So I sit on the bench upset. Then I just decided to go back into the game. So I do and I’m in this room “playing” and I’m joined by teammates. Those teammates happened to be this chick from school and Lindsey Lohan. I start talking to them about my intensity and competitiveness and they seem to be on my side. So we decide to sneak up on the other team and then we start pretend shooting them with guns. Yeah, I don’t know why. So then the captain of the other team says the game is over and they think they should win the game. I’m like hell no! I said we needed some concrete, objective way of deciding who wins, not the other team deciding they win 20-19. Lindsey Lohan and the chick from school tell me to just let the other team have their way and I finally give in. I was already upset that majority of my team didn’t like or respect me and that I was benched. So we lost and we went into the locker room to take showers. For whatever reason, there was only two showers and being the team captain, I felt like I should go in first. But because I wanted my teammates to respect me, I told them I’d be the last one in the shower. I was doing anything to win points with them. Well they took forevers! And eventually I got in the shower. Then I woke up, which pissed me off because I wanted to see what else was gonna happen! Pretty strange dream, to say the least.

My weekend with Nothing More

And the first blog of 2009! All things considered, it was a great weekend. Yeah there was some drama and yeah I had to go to both shows by myself…but my sixth and seventh Nothing More shows were BY FAR the best I have seen. So to everyone who ditched me or blew me off about the show, it’s all yalls loss. You missed two amazing shows.

Jan. 3 @ Scout Bar
The drama here was that I couldn’t find anyone to go with me and Matt couldn’t go because it was 18+ only. I had people blow me off and ignore my texts, which is one of my pet peeves. I tried one last plea to my primo, who was working the Spurs game, and he said he’d try to come after the game. Of course, he didn’t. So I’m watching the Spurs game before, I leave at halftime and we’re up by about 8 which is kinda crappy considering we had been up by 21. But whatevs, I get lost on my way to Scout Bar (mapquest always screws me over) and started to panic because I think I was heading over to Bulverde. I eventually find the place and it was packed! I watch the rest of the game at the bar and then The Clarity comes on. They’re pretty good. After them was Meriweather and they were really good. And I liked the fact that the bassist had an Animal Wear tattoo and the hot guitar player was wearing an Animal Wear shirt. Anyways, NM was on after them and the set was INSANE! I was in the front, as usual, but I found myself on the wrong side of Jonny’s drums so I had a bit of an obstructed view. But it was awesome, the crowd was really into it, and they sounded amazing. Sad news was, before they covered “Vesica Piscis” (which is my favorite song at the moment) Jonny said his mom wasn’t doing well. He always dedicates that song to his mom, who has cancer, but I think this was the first time I heard him say she wasn’t doing well. So that was sad. But he sings the song so beautifully and full of emotion. Hearing/seeing him sing that song is worth the price of admission on it’s own, I promise you. Which, by the way, I didn’t have to pay the cover because the wonderful Mark put me on the guestlist. THANK YOU! So they ended with “Sixtysecondaffair” with the ”Under the Eyes of Selene” intro like they always do and then…they played an encore of…”Fat Kid”!!! Oh I was so stoaked to hear the new version live for the first time. It was awesome. So afterwards, I said a quick hi to Mark and got a hug before I took off. It was a sweet show, to say the least.

Jan. 4 @ Jack’s Patio Bar & Grill
So there was drama here too, haha. It was an all ages, early show and my brother had planned on going. So I wasn’t really concerned with being by myself. Plus, I called JJ and she was down to go too. So I was happy that there wouldn’t be any typical, pre-Nothing More show drama like there always is. Of course I was wrong! I don’t know what was up with my brother, but he didn’t want to go anymore. Then JJ got locked out of her house and said she’d meet me there. So I drove over to Jack’s and I basically lost it because I was so annoyed I’d have to be alone again. But I calmed down with the drive and with a little chat with God. Doors were at 6 and I got there just after 6. Hardly anyone was there. I paid my cover and then went back into the bar to watch the Eagles-Vikings game before the show. Now this show was gonna be a bit different. Nothing More has these two songs called the “Black Tracks”. There’s “Black Track” and “Black Track: 2″. And they were going to open the entire show, at 6:30, with them. But they did a little more than that. Nothing More plus Josh, their former guitarist, and Drake Mac, who raps on “Black Track: 2″, performed a set together as The BlackTrax. They played about 30 minutes or so and it was so sick. They played both “Black Tracks” as well as the old version of “Fat Kid” and a few other songs. They were dressed up ridiculously hilarious and just jammed and had a good time. They were supposed to play at 6:30, but since there wasn’t a lot of people at the time, they waited until a little after 7, which was fine with me. I got to see the end of the game and got a quick hug from Mark before their first set. After The BlackTrax, there was a band called The Vettes who also played the day before with NM, but I missed them since I got to Scout Bar late. Anyways, it was four brothers and a sister. They were pretty cool, there was a lot of synth, but still cool. The lead singer chick totally intimidated me though. She had these huge heels on with some tight little hot pink shirt/shorts outfit thing with a fur coat on. And her hair reminded me of like, Cindi Lauper or something. And she’d get like, right in your face and sing to you while winking and pointing. She did that to me a couple times and you know, I don’t know the words to her songs! So I just looked at her and then started laughing because it was weird. She seemed like a cool chick though. THEN Nothing More came on and played the same set as the night before, which I was more than happy about because it was an awesome set! I made sure I was on the other side of Jonny’s drums so I had a really good view. And I was in front of Mark so I FINALLY got some amazing pics of him. Anyways, for this night, Jonny explained a bit about the song “Vesica Piscis” and said it was about the dying words of Jesus. And it’s for anyone who is going through suffering right now. That was touching and I sang the song to him as loud as I could. So they were on to the last part of the set and Jonny picks up a couple of drumsticks and gives one to me and another to the dude next to me. Yay, I was excited. I’ve gotten a setlist before (thanks Sean) but never a drumstick or pick. I’m still not sure if it was Jonny’s stick or Devin’s, but either way, I was happy. After they finished up I talked to Mark for a while, got some hugs of course, and then found Jonny, said hi real quick and got a hug, and then took off. It was awesome. I can’t wait til Feb. 21 aka Dan’s 25th birthday AND their CD release show. Sweet!

2008 through my eyes

2008 is almost over and since it was a particularly trying year for me, I decided to write about the memorable moments. Some bad, some good. It was a difficult year to say the least, but I think I’ve come out of it a better person. At least that’s what I hope. So in no particular order…

-May 10, 2008…the day I lost my grandma to Alzheimer’s Disease. The day before, I had sat in her hospice room for a good 5 hours or so without leaving. I refused to leave and I spent a lot of that time alone. My family would be in and out, but not me. I stayed. She was there when I came into the world, I wanted to be there when she went to Heaven. I went home that night ready to do it all over the next day. Unfortunately, I didn’t get that opportunity. My mom, bro, and I were literally in the driveway when my dad called with the news. I was broken hearted not only because I lost my grandmother, but because I wasn’t there like I wanted to be. We got to the hospice and she was still warm. I said my goodbye. Then there was some sort of mixup with the priest that was supposed to come bless her. He ended up coming right after the dude who was taking her to the funeral home came. So…basically, we all went into the room while he blessed her. She was in a blue, velvet-looking body bag. That was hard to see. Later that night, I was sad and got drunk. I wanted to drink away my sorrows, thinking it would help. It didn’t. It made everything worse. I felt terrible.

-September 12, 2008…the day I lost my Buster. My dog of 13 years. The week before, he was having trouble walking. Basically, it was like his hind legs weren’t working. We didn’t know what was wrong. He went to the vet and got a cortizone shot. It worked for a couple of days and then my poor baby got worse. I had to carry him around. It was so sad to see him like that. Then on that Friday, the 12th, he went to the vet for the last time and never came home. I couldn’t be in the room when they *did it* (because it was too hard) so I stayed up until the vet was getting the “meds” ready and then I took off and cried my heart out in the parking lot by myself. I cried a lot and sometimes, I still cry because I miss him so much. The vet never really figured out what was wrong with him, but they thought he might have had a tumor on his spine that was preventing his hind legs from working.

-March 29, 2008…probably the best night of my life. It was the Yellowcard 2008 Acoustic Tour in Austin, TX. Four of us crammed into my primo’s two-passenger Chevy S10 and drove up to ATX to see the boys. My primo went way above and beyond his primo-ly duties and took us, dropped us off, drove back to SA to work a hockey game, drove back to the ATX, picked us up, and took us back to SA. Thanks primo. So we got there kind of early, about 3 hours before doors opened and we were about 12th in line. We had some adventures on 6th Street…going to get pizza and walking around aimlessly trying to find a bathroom to pee in so we wouldn’t have to go during the show. We ended up going to Jackalope’s, which was a bar, and peeing there. It was really nice too. Not everyday you get to pee in a nice bar bathroom. So the show was amazing, but it got even better when we got to hang with Mendez after the show. He was beyond awesome to me, to us. Protected us from the hooker parade and everything. Way awesome.

-Three funerals, three months. My grandma’s in May, Terri’s dad in June, and Rico’s uncle in July. It was a difficult stretch for those I knew and loved. Very difficult.

-Work study has gotten more fun this year. Way more fun, even if Francis has gotten more annoyed with us. Packing up the office to move to the new one was NO BUENO. I was told, “You ain’t gonna make it in the civilian world”, which I did NOT appreciate one bit. But the times spent with my peeps in there more than make up for that. There were so many ridiculous, hilarious, amazing moments that I can’t possibly write them all here…or even remember them. But man, playing The Sims and making all of us in the game, only to intentionally set the house on fire to see who would survive the longest is worthy of an LOL. When I graduate from college, I’m going to miss work study the most. Not the work part, obviously, but the hanging out/making memories part with my friends.

-Nothing More. I saw them four times this year and each show got better and better. It was way awesome getting to know them too and hanging out a bit after shows. 2009 will bring me three more shows before March and I can’t wait. I can’t wait to get to know them more, love them more, and become better friends with them.

-Warped Tour 2008 was amazing. I actually thought the lineup kinda sucked, but I was muy excited to see two bands. Nothing More, which I just talked about. And STORY OF THE YEAR! I planned on trying to get close to the stage for SOTY so I could get decent pics. They ended up opening up the show and since we had gotten there early and were some of the first few in, I literally ran to the stage once I saw they were up first and got front row. It was SICK! I got great pics and had a great time.

-My girls, the 2008 San Antonio Silver Stars, making it to the 2008 WNBA Finals, with homecourt advantage, and best record in the league. You would think we’d get the storybook ending that came with the storybook season. But you’d be wrong. We choked, sucked, laid an egg (whatever you wanna call it) in the Finals. After a miracle shot by Sophia Young to keep us alive in the hunt for the Western Conference Championship, I thought this was *the* year. It sadly was not and my heart was broken.

-The Spurs also disappointed me in 2008. We were big losers in the Western Conference Championship and lost to the stupid lakers, ending our hopes of winning back-to-back titles. The disappointment continues as the 2008-2009 season is taking place. We’re just downright terrible sometimes.

-Insomnia played a huge role in  my year too, unfortunately. I’ve had it for nearly two years, nothing really seems to work, and my doc doesn’t want to prescribe me anything since I’m young. So we’re trying this new medication that’s a mix of a mild sedative/antidepressant. And for the most part, it’s been working. But I’m convinced that it messes with my head. It gives me mood swings and headaches. But it’s like, I have to choose. Do I want to sleep with mood swings and headaches or do I want no mood swings and headaches but no sleep? It’s a killer decision but I pick sleep.

-I came to realize that I need to put my faith in God if I want to be happy. God leads to happiness. That’s been very difficult, especially when I’m at my wits end and just wanna scream. But I have to realize, I gotta give it all to God and He’ll take care of me. I stopped going to church, but it’s because I like doing things my own way. I can talk to God by myself, I don’t need church or a pastor/priest to help me with that. It’s all part of my spiritual growth and while some might not agree with my decision, it is the best decision for me.

-I also learned about the power of prayer. Someone I have known for a few years, we’re not really close or anything, but I have known her for awhile and her mom has pancreatic cancer. Just a quick FYI about pancreatic cancer, it’s one of the worst to have. Only about 5% of those with it are still alive within 5 years. So with that said, you would be amazed at the faith this girl had in God. I remember hearing about her mom awhile back and praying for her; and then it kinda just slipped my mind. Recently, I read a bulletin about her mom having surgery to remove the tumor. So I told her I’d pray for her mom and family. This was an extensive, difficult surgery. About 11 hours long too. But she kept her faith and I, along with many others, kept praying. It turns out, the surgeons removed the entire tumor. However, she still had a 30% chance of not making it. The doctor’s told her family that her mom would be sedated when they went in to visit and that she would have all these tubes in her for about 3 days. They were wrong. She was awake when the family went in and she had the tubes in her for only 6 hours. And she was walking the next day. If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is.

-Jon & Kate Plus 8. I’ve always liked it, but I got really, really into it this year. I finally have a favorite kid (Collin) but I do love all of them. Yes, even Mady. I can see where she would annoy some people, but I really like her. I mean, who wasn’t a brat sometimes at her age? We all were, she just happens to be a brat on TV sometimes, so leave her alone.

“Vesica Piscis”

By SouthFM, a now defunct band from Dallas. Nothing More has been covering this song and I finally found it on iTunes and bought it. It couldn’t be more perfect for what I need right now. It’s all I’ve got. To quote Yellowcard, “I’m finding out I’m on my own. I am all alone”. That is me. That’s how I feel. But this song, “Vesica Piscis”, gives me hope that yeah, I feel like crap and I don’t know why things have to be the way they are, but one day, I’ll understand. “He said Son, don’t you know it has to be this way/and maybe someday/you’ll understand grace”. I think that’s what God is trying to tell me. Maybe one day I’ll understand. This is my cry to God, “Father will you forgive the debt I’m willing to pay/one can only yield so much bending before he breaks/Father will you let me know when all of this pain will be over/when it’s over”. Because I’ve been dealing with pain for so, so long. I thought it would have let up by now, but it hasn’t. And I pray every night for God to send me someone who will save me. He hasn’t sent that person yet, but hopefully soon. Because I “can only yield so much bending before [I break]“. There’s not much more I can take of this lonliness. I’m longing for a relationship of any kind. I don’t mean a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship necessarily, but one of any kind. I need someone. And I’m alone, always. Always when I need someone, I find myself alone. I have no friends and it’s lonely. I don’t know why. Maybe one day I’ll understand.

Here I go again

Feeling…whatever. Blah, crappy, terrible…emotional. I don’t know what to call it, but I’m feeling it. I’m just really annoyed. I’m feeling unappreciated again. I’m going to try really hard to just back off. I just need to give myself space, like I’ve done before. I need to not be so clingy to people. I can’t go all the way anymore when people aren’t willing to meet me in the middle. I can’t keep pushing and pushing. If people don’t want to meet me in the middle, fine. Their loss. They’ll lose out on whatever. I can’t let other people ruin my good time or my day anymore. People don’t wanna talk to me, fine. Don’t talk to me. But don’t expect me to run to you if you decide you wanna hang out or wanna talk or whatever. I’m sick of being ignored when I’m not needed. I also realized, this goes along with going all the way for peeps, that I do too much. I’m overly…I don’t know what the word is, but it’s like, I’m there too much. To the point where it’s a fault of mine. Like I do too much, give too much of my time, and when I don’t get the same…I get upset. Well, that’s partly my fault for being overly whatever. I can’t expect everyone to be like me. And I try not to expect that. But in the back of my mind, I remember everytime someone didn’t give me their all when I gave them mine. I try not to let it bother me, and for the most part it doesn’t, but then it’ll just all hit me at once. It’ll all come flooding back and I get like how I am now. I don’t know what else to do but give it all to God and let Him take over.